Parenting Success: An Easy Approach to an Enjoyable Experience
If I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
FI’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans, from “If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again”
What a child doesn’t receive he can seldom later give. ~P.D. James, Time to Be in Earnest
Parenting is a gift; it’s a blessing to be eternally grateful for. It is an opportunity to mold, take care of and shape the experiences and environment of another being. Parenting gives us that opportunity to make this world a better place one child at a time.
Children are the perfect form of true innocence; they are born as open as you can get to perfection. Each child is born with unique interests, abilities, skills and talents, it is our responsibility as parents to foster these uniqueness and create an environment that would allow them the opportunity to be who they were born to be and do what they were created to do. To live that life they were brought to this earth to live, making a difference.
Children Learn What They Live
If A Child by Amanda Carter
If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to feel shy.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
he learns to find love in the world
Parenting is a fulfilling experience that so many are still trying to grasp. Channeling our energies in the right direction with accurate understanding of our roles as parents and the expectations we need to let go of, with an open Mind parenting success can be achieved and fostered daily.
Parenting by Modeling
Acceptance and Unconditional Love
Refraining from Harsh Discipline
Energy and Limitless Patience
Nutrition and Good Health Practices
Taking Responsibility for our Roles as Parents
Independence
Negating our Negative Upbringing & Implementing our Positive Upbringing
Guidance & Gratitude
Structured Schedules and a Stimulating Environment
Uniqueness of Every Child Fostered
Clarifying Boundaries through Open Communication
Creating Frequent Focused Quality Family Time
Establishing Balance in Family Life
Students of our Children
Slowing Down and Child Proofing
Parenting by Modeling
The most Effective Parenting Tool is that of Modeling
It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard
“Your children will see what you’re all about by what you live rather than what you say.” — Wayne Dyer
Once balance is achieved in family life, we can begin to offer a life worth modeling and parenting using the most effective form. Children are wired to copy our actions. They learn from what they see in their environment. They look toward their parents for the life qualities and habits they would need to become independent and efficient beings.
Modeling a life that you desire for your children would be the true challenge in parenting. Parenting gives us an opportunity to live our best life by modeling it each and every day. Learning from each other becomes the strategies of good parenting. It is through this thought that we are given the gift of living a life more like a child.
Children Live in the now where nothing matters but the present moment, they live open and without limitations. We ought to learn from our children and copy these habits into our daily lifestyle and follow their innate skills of living a life with a focus and appreciation of learning, questioning everything they desire to learn more of, living a life filled with energy and Spirit, living with unconditional love, living with affection, appreciation, and acceptance.
Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum
Acceptance that’s Unconditional and Unconditional Love
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
Mother Teresa
The number one basic human need is unconditional acceptance and love. When we love and accept a child unconditionally stronger bonds are built between the parent and child. The child develops their self confidence. They become self sufficient, self reliant and are confident to be who they are. Their talents would emerge and they will be given a chance to develop themselves without limitations. They would be given the opportunity to experience the consequences of their own actions and decisions. They would be free to be who they are without fear of rejection.
The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.
Mother Teresa
When we place limitations on our children, they do not learn to love and accept unconditionally. They are bounded by rules and restrictions they must meet in order to make those around appreciate them. They grow up with poor relationship skills; they isolate themselves so as to avoid rejection. They do not work toward meeting their own goals; they are focused instead on meeting expectations set for them by others. They are rule bound, perfectionists, who obeys what others say is right, they become followers and are not forward thinkers or leaders.
Accepting and Loving our children unconditionally and providing opportunities for them to explore and express themselves nurtures their strengths and develops their minds, so they can be the be the best they can be.
If questions are asked, as parents we need to fuel their inquisitive nature by taking the time to explain how things work. If they break a toy, explain in a calm voice what happens when the toy is broken. Do not shout and tell them not to break their toy, they will not get anymore. Let them experiment. They would in time realize that breaking their toys means they won’t have it anymore.
Refraining from Harsh Discipline
If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves. ~C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939
Good discipline involves focusing on good behavior and reinforcing that good behavior. To discipline a child when something inappropriate occurs, we need to get down to their level and explain using a calm tone and manner in their terms what is expected. Positive reinforcements in the key to getting your children to elicit more of the behavior you desire. Children are motivated by praise, so praising a child would naturally result in more of that good behavior.
Our actions should be to catch a child doing something right, and then praise what they have done and explain why you are pleased with what they are doing. This method of disciplining boosts their self esteem and encourages them to believe in themselves. Affirming and rewarding them when values are being built encourages positive behavior and they become more inclined to repeat their actions if they are being reinforced.
We can do this using verbal forms or physical forms. Words such as: “great job!” “Wow!” “I like that” “Well done” These are verbal forms of positive reinforcements. Physical forms such as clapping, hugging, kissing, ‘high five’ are all great ways of reinforcing a desired behavior. This should always be quickly followed by an explanation of the behavior being praised and why it is good and expected.
If you are always shouting at your children, when it’s really serious, they won’t h-e-a-r you. A whisper beats a shout.” — Mark Victor Hansen
Shouting at a child is never acceptable. It may vent your frustrations but it is at the cost of emotionally hurting a child. Control your anger do not let your anger control you,
- Always stay calm in the midst of turmoil,
- Learn to walk away,
- Meditate – take the time needed
- Identify why you are angry
- Find ways you can alleviate your anger.
- Gain control of your emotions
Acknowledge your anger or disappointment; gain control of your thoughts and actions before you attempt to discipline a child. With practice you would become better able and more efficient in identifying the cause of your heightened frustrations. Becoming more aware of your feelings you become better able to prevent circumstances that them. When we identify the cause of our frustration, anger, disappointments we can work toward alleviating or avoiding them. If it is tiredness we can overcome prevent these feelings by getting enough sleep, meditating, establishing balance, decreasing work load by delegating, by putting yourself first so you are balanced and focused when you are parenting.
We all know untimely low blood sugar is a major contributor to meltdown. Prepare meals ahead and freeze in portion sizes so when dinner is late you can pop something into the microwave and there is no disruption in bedtime schedules or delay in feeding your child.
Children also act up to get our attention, find ways to increase the time you have with your child and family.
Energy and Limitless Patience
Parenting is like a rollercoaster ride, you have to have courage to get on, when you are on there’s no getting off, you hold on for dear life and enjoy the ride! There would be ups and downs; you may feel like screaming and shouting but in the end the thrill and euphoria would leave you wanting more! Lisa Casino
Without a doubt, we all need energy to parent. If your kids are involved in sports you might as well put on your sweat pants because you will be running from one sport meet to the other. Carpooling and making after game snacks.
Exercise, eating healthy, and getting enough sleep boost our energy levels naturally.
Patience is the companion of wisdom; parents are looked up to for their wisdom. Unlimited patience gives us the wisdom we need to overcome difficult challenges we may face as parents. We need to understand our children, become more tolerant of their short comings and allow them to grow in their own time without demanding more from them. Encourage them and become their biggest chair leaders.
We are often taken up by what they should be doing for their age, they should be walking, talking, running, spelling, writing, reading. We allow ourselves to be consumed by anxiety produced by ourselves from expectations of other parents, of our friends, that we lose focus and are unable to truly relish the good things about our children. There may be other milestones in progress or before our eyes but our energy may be focused on one thing, that we may not see it.
Let go, step back and enjoy the stage of development your children are in. Remind yourself that every child is unique, look for the genius in your child at that given moment. Have regular checks and health screenings and relax knowing that if something is wrong it would be corrected or identified. In the mean time enjoy the ride.
Nutrition and Good Health Practices
Nutrition is vital for a healthy family. Children are growing physically and their brains are developing at a rapid rate. Poor nutrition during childhood is linked to obesity and many diseases later on in life. Children eat what they learn to eat. We have to set that good example by preparing healthy meals and eating them. Stock the pantry with a lot of healthy alternatives for kids to snack on. Make sure what they eat at home offers good nutrition. Have meals together and teach them how to make informed decisions as to what to eat outside of the home.
Do not restrict foods, don’t tell them not to eat something, explain why and let them know if they do eat it, it should be in small amounts. There main focus should be healthy foods.
Have timely health screenings and administer vaccines promptly at the suggested times. Get your children involved in sports and keep them active. Limit the television and increase reading time and family time. Teach them gratitude and incorporate the spirit of giving and sharing as a way of life.
Taking Responsibility for our Roles as Parents
As parents we are our children’s first teacher. We are responsible for teaching our children the principles of life; love, honesty, compassion, discipline appropriateness, respect and independence. Children learn as we do, through observation, experience and education.
Our roles starts before birth, we need to prepare our bodies, during pregnancy we ought to refrain from stress, excessively long periods of no rest as these things cause fluctuations in hormones that may affect the optimal environment for the fetus to fully develop to its full potential. Taking care of our bodies before and during pregnancy is very important. Take prenatal supplements and have your pregnancy monitored.
After birth our role continues as care givers. Our off springs are dependant on us for their survival. Becoming a responsive parent from birth allows our children to develop a sense of security and trust. This principle is often viewed in fear of spoiling the child but the truth is young children cannot be spoilt. They cry when something is wrong, they cry when they are cold, warm, wet, sick or hungry. We need to respond promptly to their needs, to ensure them that their needs would be taken care of.
Second most important needs after unconditional love and acceptance, is shelter and food. Children need a safe environment to grow in, as parents its not only important that we provide the physical shelter but just as important is a stable home. Children are deeply affected by the environment they are brought up in. Physical violence, emotional abuse, fighting parents is detrimental. As parents we need to be in control of our emotions.
It’s important to remember how the things we eat, do, take in, drink and think all affect us physically. If they are positive, clean and good we would gain strength, if they are negative, impure, bad for us we would lose strength and become weak, our immune system would be compromised and we would get sick more often.
Most often when things are falling apart in front of us it’s a result of lack of attention to our selves and loss of control of our emotions. We usually are sleep deprived, our health is compromised, we do not feel good about our selves, our relationship is suffering, we are not priority, we are over loaded or we simple are not informed and are using the methods we are familiar with from our own experience.
As parents we are responsible to make sure, the things we say, think, do, and feed our children would build strength in their bodies and minds.
- Be aware of your thoughts, words and actions, make sure what you are thinking, speaking and doing would positively impact your child’s development.
- Take care of yourself so you can use your best abilities to take care of your children
- Make informed decisions when feeding your children. Be certain the food choices they are given are nutritious and balanced
- Frequently examine your state of well being. We are better able to gain more confidence, control and become better able to effectively use our parenting capabilities.
Parenting Capabilities
Examine all these areas of your life and it would reflect your personal parenting capabilities and identify areas that need improvements. Making improvements where needed enhances your parenting experience
Complete Control of Your Emotions
Awareness of Who You are and Your Role
Personal Time
Acceptance of Any Challenge
Balanced life and Well Rested
Informed and Prepared for the Next Stage of Development and the Unexpected
Living a Life to be Modeled at all Times
Inspired, Emotionally and Physically Healthy
Time for Family Frequently
Youthful Spirit
Fostering Independence
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
As parents our goal is to teach our children independence, starting with creating opportunities for them to help themselves dress, put shoes on and help in the kitchen. Increasing the tasks they can do with age appropriateness by observing what they are capable of doing and introducing new things as they develop. Children love to help and this boosts their self esteem. We always allow extra time in our house when getting out the house by planning ahead when possible and always having a set of basic items needed in her diaper bags. On leaving the house perishables are added such as juice, water and snacks. We help our daughter when we know she needs help and leave her alone to get her shoes, put them on. She also gets her bag with a few toys to leave the house. This frees my time up and allows us to leave in a timelier manner.
Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy. ~Robert A. Heinlein
Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve. ~Roger Lewin
I pre-fill my daughter’s juice cups and snack containers on weekends or the night before and she is able to retrieve them when she needs to with help opening the refrigerator. I also found it easier for her to eat when she is given the opportunity to share herself at the dinner table or help gathering items I need like vegetables for preparing dinner or breakfast. I always allow her to stir the pancake mix, it thrills me when her first words are “help you make cake mommy” This increases her excitement to eat, and with a picky eater it brings me great joy to hear her ask to help, and watch her get the tools needed to help. I also allow her to set the table by removing all the knives from the drawer only leaving the spoons and folks within her reach.
Negating our Negative Upbringing & Replacing with Positive Reinforcements
Naturally we pass onto our offspring’s the things of familiarity. We react as we were taught to react instead of acting. We fail to examine the situation and act accordingly in the best interest of our children. Our children jump on the bed and we react by screaming (stop! you will hurt yourself)
The truth is, they have never experience the bounciness of a soft bed and just figured if they jump, they can go higher doing so on the bed. We should instead intervene in a calm manner, explain slowly the consequences of jumping on the bed, then proceed to re-direct their attention to playing leap frogs, jumping outside, or on cushions placed on the floor while that are being supervised.
As parents sometimes we are quick to discipline because our parents had high expectations for us, that we feel obliged to pass onto our kids. Maybe we were forced to eat all our food before leaving the dinning table. We can replace this by reinforcing the importance of eating our meals for the purpose of getting strong and growing tall. Offer choices, let them choose what they would like to eat for dinner and allow them the freedom to eat at will. If they are offered a balanced diet at all times, it will not matter if occasionally they feel like having pancakes for dinner instead of a plate of vegetables and chicken.
At all times examine the situation closely, let go of rigid expectations and the things that were passed onto you from your upbringing that may get in the way of a better life experience. Step away and do not discipline, expect, force or limit your child, unless you are fully aware of the consequences of your actions in regards to the well being of your child. Is it the Truth? Does she have to have vegetables tonight? Does she really have to wear this outfit? Does her hair really have to be braided the way I want it? Does she really have to be quiet when she’s not spoken to? Must I really spank her? Do I have to show her I am in control at all times to gain respect?
Guidance & Gratitude
Our children depend on us to guide them. There is a lot of uncertainty that accompanies the many unknown, unfamiliar experiences and choices to be made that are new to them. Answer the many questions and encourage their enthusiasm and inquisitiveness toward everything that sparks their interest.
Be thankful for every moment spent with your children and focus on the good experiences and look for ways to bring more joy into their lives.
Structured Schedules and a Stimulating Environment
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. ~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986
We learn by the use of our senses such as touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste. An environment that encourages growth and development by stimulating as much of the senses as possible would increase the learning capabilities and development of a child. As the child grows and they begin to master skills, their environment should grow as well and provide that spark in interest for the next stage of development. A stimulating environment should provide, charts according to age, child sized table and chair, toys that stimulate the mind and encourage skills.
Investing our time, thoughts and energy into creating a nurturing environment would benefit our children tremendously. If you are unsure of how to create that nurturing environment there are many websites, books and teachers that can help you create that environment within your home. As with everything it would need constant maintenance and upgrade as your child ages.
My husband and I painted our daughter’s room using a jungle theme on one wall and favorite characters on the other. We also at her level posted posters of abc’s, numbers, and objects on the wall and doors. Educational toys and books were placed within her reach, for her to explore on her own during periods of free play. During her first two years she used these animals on the walls and the letters that spelt her name to assist in her vocabulary building and object identification.
I’ve found that rotating my daughter’s toys on a regular basis creates excitement without the need of purchasing something new. Purchasing pieces of furniture that allows her to view her environment at her level assists in creating a stimulating environment. A child sized table and chair would be perfect for crafts, coloring, eating her snacks, and exploring her toys at her level. If budget allows, a few extra pieces of kitchen set, car, tricycle, and containers for storage of excess toys. You can always try borrowing from friends or second hand stores as these items are quickly outgrown like everything else.
Give a place to everything and have everything in its place. Teach your children to assist in placing their toys back to where they belong after play. You’ll be amazed at how much time it saves you when you have an extra pair of hands or more to help you tidy.
Children need structure, as much as they need guidance and love. They need a set of routines in their daily lives. This offers comfort to them. I found that establishing a bedtime routine from day one was the core for our good bedtime experience. We are to this day able to get her to bed and spare time for our selves to work on other important things in our lives like our marriage.
Uniqueness of Every Child Fostered
We are all unique, our DNA and fingerprints confirms this. Every child is unique. They all have within them a unique way of thinking, developing and interacting. Some children are born shy, others outgoing, some calm, other active, some easy going while others are more fretful and dependant.
There uniqueness must be embraced. Knowing and accepting our children’s uniqueness promotes a better parenting experience. Children need to express themselves through their interests and abilities. We need to encourage them to do what they like doing and what makes them happy. The happier they are, the more likely they are going to thrive and grow.
As their teachers and cheer leaders we have to guide them into activities that they could explore and find their interests and talents, allowing them to develop their skills. By our guidance and cheerleading they develop a sense of accomplishment and self motivation to explore their world.
Clarifying Boundaries through Open Communication
Communicating with our children is important for establishing boundaries. Frequent family meetings are one way to clarity and effective communication. They are important in maintaining a clear perspective of common goals as a family unit. Reinforcing what is necessary such as chores, routines and the responsibility of each member of the family unit. These things cultivate a sense of belonging and worthiness, increasing their self esteem.
Creating Frequent Focused Quality Family Time
Children require time; time invested in them develops the parent – child bond. A child acknowledges he is worthy and appreciated. Spending time with our children part taking in activities they enjoy and communicating builds their self-esteem.
It is important to not let gifts become the makeup for lack of time. If children are given presents instead of a parent’s presence they begin to feel unworthy. They equate a parent with gifts and when we cannot offer gifts, they in-turn make us feel guilty when their expectations of us are not met.
Practice Speaking to Your Kids not At Them
Let your Children Assist in Tasks
Availability (Be Available to Talk)
Your Laughter should be your Guide for Activities & Spontaneity
It’s easy to spend a few minutes each day with each child doing things they love. We can make these moments’ opportunities to get to know more about our children, being available if they need to speak to us, guiding and reconnecting each day. Color pictures with your children, go to the garden or parks, and speak to them while giving baths. Make every moment an opportunity to do something together, let the trips in the car become times to sing, talk and share stories.
Have at least one meal daily together. Indulge in a 10 – 15 minute walk daily. Feed the birds and teach your children how to appreciate nature and animals.
Becoming Students of our Children
A wee child toddling in a wonder world…. I prefer to their dogma my excursions into the natural gardens where the voice of the Great Spirit is heard in the twittering of birds, the rippling of mighty waters, and the sweet breathing of flowers. If this is Paganism, then at present, at least, I am a Pagan. ~Zitkala-Sa
My daughter is my biggest teacher, I’ve seen her move through toys as her intellect develops moving onto more complex toys that offer interest to develop the skills she needs to master and move into to the next stage in her development. Babies cannot hold their heads up on their own until they have mastered the control of their neck muscles through strength training, they don’t move onto stacking towers of 6 or eight until they have mastered the control of their hands. They feed themselves effectively after mastering the finger grasping techniques and coordinating movements needed of putting their hands to their mouths. Everything involves patience, practice and persistence.
As adults we need to copy this basic concept to life, we see ourselves become stuck in situations that we need to master before life allows us to move onto the next stage in life. As kids who never question why they need to learn to walk, they just do it. We must embrace the challenges life dishes out, they come in many forms and it is not ours to choose the form that appears before us, but our duty to embrace them and over come the challenges so we can move onto the next phase in life.
Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. ~Betty Smith
Slowing Down and Child Proofing
Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. ~Lao Tzu
In bringing up children, spend on them half as much money and twice as much time. ~Author Unknown
Multitasking does not work. I recently found out that there was a study that showed that there was no such thing as multitasking, our brains was just switching from doing one thing to another and we were not committing ourselves to one project at a time. The correct way of effectively doing anything to the best of our potential was to concentrate on one task at a time.
It’s crucial to baby proof your house, then consistently check and upgrade as your child’s independence increases and their ability and interest increases outside their toys as they attempt to discover all within their surroundings. Child proofing must be done on a daily basis for effectiveness to be optimal.
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